I'm sorry....

My life is full. Right now, it is full of too many things, too many sources of stress, of stimulation, of worry. And daily I struggle to see life through the “love” lens, rather than the “fear” lens.
And tonight, I saw myself doing the exactly wrong thing. And I repented. I want to share my experience, because I hope someone else will avoid making the same mistake so long.
We currently are making major changes in our family, in the area of finances. We have some pretty major financial crises going on right now. My husband is also working on a major deadline that has plagued us for a number of months, now. So, he’s busy. Way. Too. Busy. And generally not here.
And so, we’ve been struggling, and there are times that I’m afraid I just can’t handle the pressure any more. I have felt so utterly alone.
And here’s why: In the midst of this struggle, I have fallen into the habit of seeing my children as one more source of stress—one more thing that is “too much!”
Whatever happened to my blessings? I renamed them, and I named them wrongly. You see, sometime along the way, I stopped seeing my children as precious persons, whose minds, hearts and souls are just as important and multi-faceted as my own. I began seeing them as potential crisis-creators, bickerers, and mess-makers. And the more I’ve seen them that way, the more that’s just what they’ve become.
Tonight, I saw myself, just the way I am, and I was appalled. How often I plead with my children to be “on my team!” But I kicked them off of it long ago, when I began seeing them as part of the burden I bear. They want to be on my team, but first, I have to say, “I’m sorry!” and invite them down off of the bleachers (where I’ve wished they would just keep still!) and back into the game.
So, I finished this day by saying, “I’m sorry!” to my children. And now, I say it to my husband, my family, my friends. So often I have told you that I believe that children are people whose thoughts and feelings have just as much validity as our own—if not more. And I have been a hypocrite. I have taken this thing I believed, and nearly stomped its existence out of my life.
Tonight, I remember. And I’m writing this so that I cannot forget. Tomorrow, it’s a new game, and I have a full team. Each one has different gifts and talents that God sent to our family, so that we could win. No longer will my children sit the bench, and listen to me accuse them when the plays fail. We will play together, and we will win.