I’m out of my horrible, depressing funk. What a relief.
My escape was a 2-step process. First, I gave up on me. In the face of my husband’s 80-hour work week, no matter how valiantly I prayed, or tried, to be a joyful mother, I was failing. Striving to be more patient, in the face of a crying baby, two complaining children (One of whom is repeatedly punching me in the leg while screaming), one poopy toddler, a spilled mess of something-someone-snuck-into-behind-my-back, and my oldest child’s rolled eyes and reminders that he is, in fact, a perfect human stuck with us freaks all day was just never going to work.
I think I did actually sweat blood, trying. Well, I nearly rubbed a hole through the skin in the middle of my forehead, anyway.
So, I gave up.
I finally got the point. I’m not strong enough to love these children with God’s perfect love, and I never will be. God will never give me the, “Here’s some of my love for these children for you to keep. Now you’re perfect and on your own.” shot. That’s not how He works. He wants me to need Him. He wants to help. In fact, He’s happiest when I just let Him do it for me. So I am. I’ve stopped asking God to give me His strength, and started asking Him to love my children through me, to be present in my every word and deed.
I’m not suddenly perfect, but we are all happier, now. I’m not sweating blood anymore, anyway.
Second step: Forgiveness. I finally saw my ledger sheet, where I weigh the costs vs. the benefits of the decisions and struggles of the past few years, as the unforgiveness it truly is. Where do I get off keeping score, anyway? Largely, I keep score with my husband, and if he returned the favor, I’d come out the loser in that game.
In fact, the thing I have held most against this man is his forgiveness, his ability to believe the best of others, his lack of cynicism. And the thing that I benefit from most in this man is the same. He extends grace to me every day, and yet I have held it against him when this personality trait is displayed outside of our home.
And so, I am forgiving, as I have been forgiven. The past is the past. It is over. The present is a struggle, but not such a great one when I lay down the burden of the past that has crippled me as I try to manage each day.
The future is bright. I don’t know what it holds, exactly. I do know that God is in charge there, just as He was in the past, and just as He carries me now.
And that’s all I need to know.
Subscribe
